Well, son, you’re about to be released from prison after five years. On a fucking “trumped up” charge you say. Never mind all that bullshit now. You can’t come out with that chip on your shoulder. You know what I’m saying? You’ll have a shit-load of real problems to deal with as soon as you hit these mean streets. Job, education, driver’s license--you know what I’m saying? Can’t help you much with those son, as right now I’m about as flat on my ass as a black man can get! You know what I’m saying? But your dad can help you with one big-ass problem you’re going to face as soon as you shed those prison duds. That’s how to deal with the women you’ll soon be meeting. Not those ho’s, skanks, and bitches who’ve been writing you while you were incarcerated. Fuck them uglies! You know what I’m saying? You’re going to meet real women! So, here’s some quick-start advice I’ve learned from playing the slut street game for years. You know what I’m saying? Most importantly, and let this sink into your ADHD brain, always treat a whore like a lady and a lady like a whore! There, in a fucking nutshell, is all you need to know about romance in the hood. You know what I’m saying? You already have skills to talk with most women out here. You’ve learned how to curse like a sailor while in jail. Big help in talking with these broads today. You know what I’m saying? What female is not turned on by hearing her main man in bed calling her a “slut” or a “dirty ho” or even a “fucking prostitute”! The thicker you lay on the curses, believe me, the more they’ll love you! You know what I’m saying? And don’t be afraid of getting rough with your old lady. I don’t mean creepy, sick stuff like punching or strangling, you know what I’m saying, but what woman doesn’t respond to an occasional slap on her ass, especially if you call it an “ass” in a low, growling tone of voice! Next, son, you have to become expert at what your pop calls the “big three” of lovemaking—sucking, biting, and tickling! Every part of a woman’s body is tasty, you know what I’m saying, so don’t be shy—dig right in! Seriously, bro, what woman, regardless of the size of her boobs, doesn’t enjoy her man squeezing and sucking on them—even if they’re fake! You know what I’m saying? Women, even church-going ones, don’t mind those nips and bites you plant on her earlobes, neck, and hard nipples! Especially just as she’s having an orgasm! You know what I’m saying? Tickling or tongue massaging those sensitive parts of your woman’s body will turn her into a helpless toy in your hands. Seriously, a good tickling session works better than dropping a date-rape drug in her drink! You know what I’m saying? Well, son, there you have it. I hope the fuck it works out for you. But in case it doesn’t, don’t say you got your advice from me! You know what I’m saying?
Thursday, May 13, 2010
SEX ADVICE TO AN INMATE
Well, son, you’re about to be released from prison after five years. On a fucking “trumped up” charge you say. Never mind all that bullshit now. You can’t come out with that chip on your shoulder. You know what I’m saying? You’ll have a shit-load of real problems to deal with as soon as you hit these mean streets. Job, education, driver’s license--you know what I’m saying? Can’t help you much with those son, as right now I’m about as flat on my ass as a black man can get! You know what I’m saying? But your dad can help you with one big-ass problem you’re going to face as soon as you shed those prison duds. That’s how to deal with the women you’ll soon be meeting. Not those ho’s, skanks, and bitches who’ve been writing you while you were incarcerated. Fuck them uglies! You know what I’m saying? You’re going to meet real women! So, here’s some quick-start advice I’ve learned from playing the slut street game for years. You know what I’m saying? Most importantly, and let this sink into your ADHD brain, always treat a whore like a lady and a lady like a whore! There, in a fucking nutshell, is all you need to know about romance in the hood. You know what I’m saying? You already have skills to talk with most women out here. You’ve learned how to curse like a sailor while in jail. Big help in talking with these broads today. You know what I’m saying? What female is not turned on by hearing her main man in bed calling her a “slut” or a “dirty ho” or even a “fucking prostitute”! The thicker you lay on the curses, believe me, the more they’ll love you! You know what I’m saying? And don’t be afraid of getting rough with your old lady. I don’t mean creepy, sick stuff like punching or strangling, you know what I’m saying, but what woman doesn’t respond to an occasional slap on her ass, especially if you call it an “ass” in a low, growling tone of voice! Next, son, you have to become expert at what your pop calls the “big three” of lovemaking—sucking, biting, and tickling! Every part of a woman’s body is tasty, you know what I’m saying, so don’t be shy—dig right in! Seriously, bro, what woman, regardless of the size of her boobs, doesn’t enjoy her man squeezing and sucking on them—even if they’re fake! You know what I’m saying? Women, even church-going ones, don’t mind those nips and bites you plant on her earlobes, neck, and hard nipples! Especially just as she’s having an orgasm! You know what I’m saying? Tickling or tongue massaging those sensitive parts of your woman’s body will turn her into a helpless toy in your hands. Seriously, a good tickling session works better than dropping a date-rape drug in her drink! You know what I’m saying? Well, son, there you have it. I hope the fuck it works out for you. But in case it doesn’t, don’t say you got your advice from me! You know what I’m saying?
