Thursday, May 13, 2010

SEX ADVICE TO AN INMATE

Well, son, you’re about to be released from prison after five years. On a fucking “trumped up” charge you say. Never mind all that bullshit now. You can’t come out with that chip on your shoulder. You know what I’m saying? You’ll have a shit-load of real problems to deal with as soon as you hit these mean streets. Job, education, driver’s license--you know what I’m saying? Can’t help you much with those son, as right now I’m about as flat on my ass as a black man can get! You know what I’m saying? But your dad can help you with one big-ass problem you’re going to face as soon as you shed those prison duds. That’s how to deal with the women you’ll soon be meeting. Not those ho’s, skanks, and bitches who’ve been writing you while you were incarcerated. Fuck them uglies! You know what I’m saying? You’re going to meet real women! So, here’s some quick-start advice I’ve learned from playing the slut street game for years. You know what I’m saying? Most importantly, and let this sink into your ADHD brain, always treat a whore like a lady and a lady like a whore! There, in a fucking nutshell, is all you need to know about romance in the hood. You know what I’m saying? You already have skills to talk with most women out here. You’ve learned how to curse like a sailor while in jail. Big help in talking with these broads today. You know what I’m saying? What female is not turned on by hearing her main man in bed calling her a “slut” or a “dirty ho” or even a “fucking prostitute”! The thicker you lay on the curses, believe me, the more they’ll love you! You know what I’m saying? And don’t be afraid of getting rough with your old lady. I don’t mean creepy, sick stuff like punching or strangling, you know what I’m saying, but what woman doesn’t respond to an occasional slap on her ass, especially if you call it an “ass” in a low, growling tone of voice! Next, son, you have to become expert at what your pop calls the “big three” of lovemaking—sucking, biting, and tickling! Every part of a woman’s body is tasty, you know what I’m saying, so don’t be shy—dig right in! Seriously, bro, what woman, regardless of the size of her boobs, doesn’t enjoy her man squeezing and sucking on them—even if they’re fake! You know what I’m saying? Women, even church-going ones, don’t mind those nips and bites you plant on her earlobes, neck, and hard nipples! Especially just as she’s having an orgasm! You know what I’m saying? Tickling or tongue massaging those sensitive parts of your woman’s body will turn her into a helpless toy in your hands. Seriously, a good tickling session works better than dropping a date-rape drug in her drink! You know what I’m saying? Well, son, there you have it. I hope the fuck it works out for you. But in case it doesn’t, don’t say you got your advice from me! You know what I’m saying?

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Where IS TRISHA?


Where is Trisha?
[A FaceBook mystery]

1. Poooffff! And suddenly, like thin, white powder accidentally blown from a glass countertop, all traces of my ex-lover disappeared from FaceBook. Shall I call the media police and charge her with abandonment? Who's going to feed my addiction now?

2. THE PLOT THICKENS: Where is Trisha Wood? She's left no trace on FaceBook! Is she a victim? Or has she committed cybercide? Many California "missing persons" cases turn out to be homicides! Will C.W. be held as a "person of interest"? Exciting chapters to follow!

3. The clues of her disappearance (from FB) begin to mount. Her favorite pet, Trixie, a tiny, white Pekinese was found wandering its San Diego neighborhood bedraggled and missing its collar. Could Trixie lead us to the scene of the crime? Stay tuned!

4. Trixie led us to Trisha's empty apartment. Signs of an angry, hasty departure were everywhere. On the soiled, tiled floor were torn up model job rejection notices and ripped fashion design drawings. In a large, crystal ashtray we found remnants of an attempted burning of love letters. We bagged everything for clues. We listened to a three-days-old inquiring phone message from one of her sisters.
Luminol did not detect human blood—a good sign. But there was no sign of twenty-six year old Trisha and her daughter. Were they together? We had to find out—and soon!

5. "I'm driving to LA," were the last words Trisha spoke to anyone. That was three weeks ago. An APB is out for her red Corvette, a graduation gift from her doting father. Posters show Trisha and 5-year old daughter, Jane. Search teams cover a three-mile area. This is no longer a “missing persons” case. This is now a criminal case. Trisha mentioned in a letter "a ton of family harassment" over her choice of new lover, Perry. She was angry at her four sisters for their interference in her romance. What is Perry’s role in this disappearance? Is he with them in LA? Is he the last person to see Trisha? We rush to Perry’s last known address. Are we too late?

6. A sleepy-eyed Perry opened the door. We were surprised. He was a gray-haired, 52-year old! Is this the guy Trisha texted, “of course u know i love u but you have to cool it til this blows over."? A lie detector exam later cleared him. He had been dating her for only eight months. But he knew a lot about Trisha. The youngest of five beautiful sisters, she was the first to fall into a bad marriage, leaving her a young, single mother. In the beginning, Perry and Trisha had exchanged love poems--in French! One of hers ended, "Je suis juene et jolie...but if I were to fall in love...it would be to you! " What Perry told us next was a shocker!

7. What Perry told us threw our case wide open. He showed us Trisha's last MySpace entry: "I'm chatting with the hottest French dude in California!" Neither her sisters nor Perry recognized her reference. A new love interest? A potential employer? Did she drive to LA to meet this "French dude"? We had to find out...and quick! But before we could act on this new intriguing lead, Trisha's burned out auto was found!

8. Police list the following “Persons of Interest” in the FB missing case of Trisha Wood, 26, of San Diego, CA. A homicide victim?: Carlos Wood [estranged husband—divorce, child custody issues?]; Perry King [52-year-old current e-beau, passed a lie test, jealousy issues?]; “French Dude” [mysterious new love interest? Last to see Trisha alive?, APB issued!]; four older sisters [they think Perry “too old”, sibling rivalry?]. Awaiting new developments. Not yet a cold case.